The Batte of Repentance
A Tale of The Wise And Kindly Father Shmolnick
The Wise and Kindly Father Shmolnick sat on his throne atop the white dais.
The dais overlooked the Wise and Kindly One's common hall, where all of his
loyal followers gathered day in and day out to pay tribute and listen raptly
to their glorious master.
This day, however, Father Shmolnick was not particularly pleased. An acolyte
had violated one of sect's rules. The Wise and Kindly One knew the importance
of obedience and could not allow even the slightest violation to go unpunished.
Father Shmolnick also knew the importance of discipline.
As the Great One sat playing idly with the cloth of his voluminous and expertly-tailored
white robes, he thought again about the foolish young acolyte. Young Vivo
Bubble had been a promising acolyte, mastering The Wise and Kindly One's teaching
early enough to advance through the Five Steps of the Acolyte. It was unprecedented,
really. No acolyte had ever gone so far so fast. Father Shmolnick took an
interest in the young acolyte, seeing in the bright young man hope for the
future of the Sect of Shmolnick.
However, after achieving the Five Steps and obtaining his gray Acolyte's
Robe, Acolyte Bubble began to change. Minor mistakes in ritual came first,
leading the acolyte's teachers to report the gaffes to their smiling and beneficent
leader. The Wise One forgave the errors as evidence of the young acolyte's
earnestness and eagerness. The mistakes continued unabated and in fact increased.
Acolyte Bubble was called into the Office of Acolytic Affairs to discuss the
problem but became somewhat defensive and refused to accept responsibility
for the mistakes.
When informed of the acolyte's bizarre behavior, The Wise One ordered the
young man to be watched. Something was amiss, thought the Great One, and
He would find out what. His wisdom was such that nothing escaped his attention
for too long.
The promising Acolyte began to make other mistakes as well. He came late
for important rituals and prayer meetings, he forgot his lines in rituals,
and there were even reports of him criticizing Father Shmolnick to other acolytes,
who wisely brought these reports to their superiors.
Finally the acolyte began to display strange physical symptoms: his eyes
were frequently red, he sniffled a lot, and was constantly snacking on Slim
Jims and frozen Philly Swirls. The Wise and Kindly One ordered his quarters
searched, and lo and behold, a forbidden stash of pleasureweed was found.
Pleasureweed was forbidden to acolytes in the Wise One's compound. Only
Masters and the Great Man himself were allowed this luxury. Yet this acolyte
had some on hand, breaking one of the most important rules of the sects.
Father Shmolnick was disappointed in the young acolyte, and the more he thought
of it, the angrier he became. Why, he had had great plans for Acolyte Bubble.
He had taken the young man under his wing, and this is how he was repaid for
his confidence? The acolyte must suffer the pain of punishment.
There were many punishments in Father Shmolnick's sect, but for a crime such
as this, even if perpetrated by one the Wise One's favorites, there could
be only one punishment: The Batte of Repentance.
The crowd of acolytes and masters in the common hall grew momentarily noisy,
and The Wise and Kindly Father Shmolnick looked up from his deep thoughts
to see Acolyte Bubble being escorted into the room, one burly Master at each
arm. The accused acolyte wasn't struggling, but looked unhappy indeed.
The crowd parted to let the accused through toward the dais. Father Shmolnick
stood up and held his berobed arms out in the traditional Stance of Judgement.
The crowd instantly fell silent. Acolyte Bubble's escorts let him go and
retreated into the crowd; the troubled young man looked down and gasped; he
was standing in the Circle of Judgement, the glossy blue paint forming a circular
space on the floor, once attractive, now ominous.
"My friends, We call your attention to Circle of
Judgement, so that Our Judgement may be fairly rendered in your loyal presence,"
Father Shmolnick intoned.
"We see the Circle of Judgement and pray for Your Justice so that we may
learn from your wisdom, Oh Wise and Kindly One," the crowd replied in practiced
unison.
Acolyte Bubble began to perspire and rubbed his sweaty hands on his gray
robe.
Father Shmolnick looked down at his former favorite. "Vivo Bubble, remove
thy robes. Thou hast spoiled their holy aura and are no longer fit to wear
them."
Vivo Bubble complied and took off the robe. "I hear and obey your Magnificence,
Oh Great Master," the nervous acolyte replied. He was now clad in just an
undershirt and boxer shorts. Another acolyte instantly and silently took
the robe, and disappeared into an unseen chamber where the robe was burned
and the ashes subsequently buried underground.
"Thou art an acolyte no more, Vivo Bubble. Thou hast violated one of our
most sacred injunctions, and have brought foul and illegal substances into
your midst. Dost thou make the promise of repentance for thy crime?"
Vivo Bubble cleared his throat and wiped sweat from his worried brow. "Y-yes,
Oh Great Master, I make the promise of repentance to thy greatness," he said.
Father Shmolnick smiled. "Good," he said to the young man, "You may assume
the position, former acolyte, and prepare to receive My Beneficent Justice."
The young man got down on all fours and raised his head. His eyes were closed
as required by the ritual. Father Shmolnick reached into his voluminous and
glorious robes and pulled out the Batte of Repentance, a baseball bat that
had been painted all gold except the handle, which had been painted black.
"In the name of My Holy Teachings and in respect for all of my Beloved Children
in attendance, I hereby and reluctantly pick up the Batte of Repentance,"
called the Wise One. He descended the carpeted steps of the dais leading
to the floor and approached the former acolyte slowly, letting each footstep
echo throughout the chamber. The crowd watched wide-eyed.
The Wise and Kindly One raised the Batte of Repentance over his handsome
face and adjusted his grip on the black handle. Vivo Bubble let a tiny moan
escape his lips and his arms began to tire.
"For Justice!" cried Father Shmolnick.
He swung the Batte in a circle above his head once, twice, thrice before
bringing it down with a loud THUD on the poor former-acolyte's exposed spine.
The young man fell to the floor instantly, yowling in pain and trying to reach
the agonizing spot on his back with his hands.
"For Obedience!" cried Father Shmolnick.
He slammed the Batte into the back of Bubble's neck with a loud CRUNCH, causing
a small pool of blood to form beneath the prone former acolyte, who could
only grunt with the pain.
"For Wisdom!" cried Father Shmolnick.
He swung his instrument of justice in a wide arc and let it crash into Bubble's
side twice in rapid succession. Bubble felt something undulate painfully
inside him. He tried to move but found he could not as his spine had been
crushed.
"For Kindness!" cried Father Shmolnick.
With robotic precision, he swung the Batte over and over into Bubble's exposed
skulle, cracking it with the first blow, effectively silencing the young man,
then splitting it open with the second, sending a spray of blood and brain
matter into the air. His own voluminous robes were untouched by the gory
mess, as the Wise One had had the finest Scotchguard applied to the fabric.
The third blow landed with a sickening FLUMP, flattening Vivo Bubble's head
amidst a spreading pool of blood and bone, causing the dead former favorite's
body to jerk up and down reflexively. The crowd oohed and aahed at their
Wise Master's expert application of justice.
And then it was done. The Wise and Kindly Father Shmolnick let the Batte
of Repentance fall from his hands, where another unseen acolyte quickly picked
it up for the ritual cleansing that would follow.
The Great One retreated alone into an antechamber, followed by his personal
female acolyte. He slumped into a large La-Z-Boy easy chair and put his feet
up, sighing. "Lemme see Bubble's shit again," he ordered the large but comely
acolyte.
"Yes Great Master," she replied obediently, and within seconds, Father Shmolnick
had Vivo Bubble's baggie of pleasureweed open and his handsome nose stuck
into it.
"Aahh, this shit smells like Thai. Fetch me my pipe and a cold glass of water."
Father Shmolnick continued to take in the green earthy smell of the late Vivo
Bubble's pleasureweed stash. "The Batte of Repentance always makes me wanna
get really stoned," he commented.
