Yeah I know, pretty creepy huh?

Ahh, the joys and mysteries of driving in Connecticut.

The highways are crowded and constantly under construction, secondary roads are filled with potholes this time of year, and Connecticut drivers continue to behave as if they’re all under some mass hypnotic spell that makes them do stupid and careless things with their vehicles.

I drive to work every day. It’s an easy commute, about 25 minutes at most, with only one slow spot and that’s only in the morning. So I can’t complain about my daily drive to work. However, the rest of the time, and especially on weekends, I do have to drive to get around. And that’s when I’m forced to ask myself this question – why do people drive the way they do?

Read on to learn more about these mysteries and their probably causes.

The Mystery of the Now In A Hurry – Now Not In A Hurry Driver

Here’s one of my favorites.

You’re driving along, keeping pace with traffic, which is light to moderate. There’s a big gap behind you; the closest vehicle to your rear is far away. Now here come Mr.I’mInAHurry. He’s waiting to turn into traffic. He clearly sees the huge gap behind you, yet chooses to pull in in front of you VERY SUDDENLY, forcing you to put on your brakes. And utter a string of obscenities that would shock a sailor.

But now Mr.I’mInAHurry has decided he’s no longer in such a hurry. In fact, he’s apparently decided that now that he’s cut you off, he wants to drive as S L O W L Y as possible. But I can’t help but wonder, why was he in such a hurry to cut me off when there was ample room for him to pull safely behind me, yet now he appears to be moving in slow motion?

I have determined that this mysterious behavior must be caused by one of two things:

• Like a wild beast acting purely on instinct, Mr.I’mInAHurry’s unevolved DNA still retains the urge to compete for rare food supplies. This forces him to cut me off in an attempt to “win” the competition.
• He’s stupid.

Additional note: Mr.I’mInAHurry also makes frequent appearance merging onto highways.

The Mystery of the Rebel Without a Cause

You know this person. He’s the guy next to you in the right lane at a two-lane traffic light. The big black and white sign directly on the right IN CLEAR VIEW OF EVEN A BLIND PERSON indicates that vehicles in the right lane MUST turn right. You know the sign, the one with the straight up and down arrow pictured next to an arrow pointing to the right. Now, you’re in the correct lane for going straight, the left lane. The road ahead narrows to a single lane. There may even be a sign indicating such.

Yet when the light changes, the Rebel Without a Cause goes straight, cutting you off. He’s such a rebel! Yeah man, he’s rebelling against the system. He’s sticking it to the man. Actually, he just stuck it to you and me by cutting us off.

I’m always left shaking my head in bewilderment at the Rebel Without a Cause. Why the blatant disregard for clearly posted rules, rules that even an anarchist like me can easily observe?

Once again, I have determined one of two causes of this mysterious behavior:

• The guy really DOES have issues with authority and goes out of his way to flout the rules of the road to “stick it to the man.”
• He’s stupid.

The Mystery of the Long Line of Cars at a Green Light

Red means stop. Green means go. Red means stop. Green means go. Got it?

Apparently not everyone gets that most basic rule of driving. In fact, it’s often one of the very first things we learn when we take driver’s education. Yet where I live, when a traffic light turns green, nobody moves. They sit. They stare. They pick their noses. They think about I don’t know what. But they do not move.

What’s the delay anyway? If you drive in a place like Manhattan, when that light changes to green, EVERYONE goes immediately. There’s no delay. There’s no dreamland. People actually know what a green light means. Not here. Here, people simply aren’t paying attention. And yes, I know that when there’s a long line at a traffic light, one might expect a second or two of delay as you wait for the cars ahead of you to get going. But seriously, around where I live, in Connecticut, often you end up stuck at the light for a second cycle because the people ahead of you at the front of the line don’t move right away.

There can really only be one cause of this most aggravating of driving mysteries:

• People are stupid.

The Mystery of the Stubborn Slow Driver in the Passing Lane on the Highway

Of course, driving mysteries are hardly confined to suburban and urban driving. Take for example the case of the stubborn driver in the left-most lane on the highway. She refuses to increase speed above the posted speed limit. There’s a growing line of cars building up behind her, and there’s plenty of room in the middle lane for her to safely move over and let the cars behind her pass. Yet she absolutely won’t speed up or move over. Angry drivers behind her beep their horn, they tailgate out of sheer frustration, they flash their headlights, all to no avail. Ms. Stubborn ain’t movin’.

I mean, what’s it to her anyway? It IS the passing lane, after all. Why stay where she’s neither wanted or needed? Is she totally unaware that she is single-handedly creating a traffic jam?

This mystery can have only of the following causes:

• She’s a stubborn cunt.
• She’s stupid.

The Cop-Giving-a-Ticket-to-a-Car-on-the-Side-of-the-Road-Yet-Everyone-Slows-Down-Anyway Mystery

Here’s a driving mystery we’ve all encountered. You’re driving on the highway, minding your own business, grooving to some good music, enjoying the open road. Then all of a sudden, you run into heavy traffic. You’re at a standstill for miles and you don’t know why.

Then you pass the source of the traffic jam – a cop is giving somebody a ticket on the side of the highway. And EVERYONE is slowing down.

Why are they slowing down? Do they actually believe that the cop is going to stop what he’s doing, jump into his car and chase after some OTHER speeder? Of COURSE he’s not. He’s BUSY! In fact, this is the BEST time to speed up – the cop is BUSY!!! He’s giving somebody else a ticket! Yet all the drivers slow down out of fear of the cop’s authority.

There really can be only one of two reasons this mysterious behavior continues:

• People are trained from a very young age to fear and obey authority no matter what. Their hard-wired fear of authority causes them to slow down, even in situations in which there is no chance of getting a speeding ticket.
• People are stupid.

The Mystery of Rubbernecking

Ooh look, an accident! Ooh look, a dead animal on the side of the road! Ooh look, a cop is giving some poor guy a ticket! Ooh look, a construction crew!

More like, “Ooh look, the assholes in front of me aren’t paying attention!!!”

Why do we care so much about what’s going on at the side of the road when our attention should be on the road ahead of us? Is there something intriguing about some other guy’s traffic plight? Are we simply craning our necks to get a look at an injured or dead body? Do we want see a severed head? What gives? Really, I want to know.

This mystery has been the cause of millions of highway traffic jams. And all it takes it one person to slow down and sneak a peak at the exciting action on the side of the road to delay everyone else. I say, who cares? I have no desire to ogle some dead or injured bodies, or delight in some big shiny ambulence, fire truck or cop collecting fees for the state by writing tickets. Who gives a shit anyway? I’m not five years old anymore. I want to get to where I’m going. I don’t want to sit in traffic.

Again, the causes of this are most likely one of the following:

• People’s lives are so empty and meaningless that any distraction is welcome.
• People are stupid.

The Mystery of the SUV

Okay I’ll admit it – I hate SUV’s. They get awful gas mileage, they’re unsafe (just look at the fatality numbers in rollovers, the most frequent type of SUV accident), and they block my view of the road ahead.

I once saw a TV program about defensive and smart driving. They interviewed a professional race car driver, whose expertise behind the wheel I wouldn’t challenge. This guy said he NEVER lets himself get stuck behind a large vehicle because it obscures his vision, making driving that much more hazardous. Visibility is important in driving; you really need to see where you’re going so you can anticipate what’s up ahead. It’s just common sense.

Yet everyone goes out to buy these big useless tanks. Why? Because they’re advertised on TV, that’s why. People like to be seen in these big metal beasts because it makes them feel successful, and we all know that in a consumer economy, our success as individuals is measured in what kind of stuff we can buy and show off. “Oh look at me, I’m driving a big SUV. I’m a member of the club, I’m successful!! Just like those actors in the TV commercial!” Please, spare me your low self-esteem. I can’t see past your truck, dammit!!

The automobile manufacturers have a lot of responsibility for this problem, as they have continually marketed SUVs because they’re profitable. Forget that they guzzle too much gas, a commodity that the planet is running low on. Forget that they’re inherently unsafe, especially to smaller vehicles. Forget that you can’t see past them.

Now, I can understand it when a person who has a business needs a big vehicle with a lot of storage space. Or a family that goes camping every weekend. Stuff like that, okay, I can accept those as legitimate reasons for needing a large vehicle. But what’s everyone else’s excuse?

I have narrowed down the reasons for this mystery to the following:

• People are inherently gullible and easily manipulated by television commercials.
• People have low self-esteem and need to feel important and successful.
• People are stupid.

The Great Cell Phone Mystery

Repeat after me – when you talk on the phone while you’re driving, your attention is diverted from driving.

Why all this telephone activity in the car? What’s so goddamned important that it can’t wait until you stop or arrive at your destination? People survived for decades without the need to call others on the phone while in transit. Why did this change? Why don’t people realize that it’s dangerous to let your attention be called away from driving?

I hate this because when the person in front of me is talking on the phone, they inherently know that their attention is diverted from driving, so they slow down to a crawl. So now I have to slow down because some idiotic soccer mom needs to gab to her friends? I don’t think so.

Also, whatever happened to privacy? Since when do we need to be connected all the time?

Yeah, I have a cell phone. Yeah I have it with me when I drive. And yeah, I let people leave messages for me so I can get back to them, WHEN I’M NO LONGER BEHIND THE WHEEL OF THE CAR!!!!

I’m all for laws banning cell phone use while driving. And I’m all for the vigorous prosecution of drivers who violate those laws. Forget speed traps, there’s millions to be made pulling people over for talking on their cell phone!

This mystery has only one possible cause:

• People. Are. Stupid.

Conclusions

So there you have it. These are some of the driving mysteries that drive ME crazy when I’m on the road. After careful examination of all of these mysteries, I can come to only one conclusion:

PEOPLE ARE STUPID!

Thanks for reading, and be careful out there.